The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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