my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
