Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize