i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize
