**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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