those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
What drink are we having for lunch?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
