There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
she smelled like a LAN party
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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