It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
It's never too late to be topless.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
We were destined to go to rehab together
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
