so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
