There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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