Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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