He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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