Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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