I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
