I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
