Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Everclear isn't food dammit
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
