Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize