508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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