Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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