I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
