I wanna bring you to show and tell
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
