I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize