chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize