Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
