Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
