Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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