Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize