My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
