I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
