My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
