oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
