Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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