Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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