I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
