you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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