i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize