I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Holy sore nipples Batman
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
