Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
