I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
