If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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