Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
