she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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