Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
