Will you blow on my dice?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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