I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I am spending my child support on dildos
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
