You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
