I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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