There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
