Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
