Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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