Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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