i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
