Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
