Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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