the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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