Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
