Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
