worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
