Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I have already put on my inside pants.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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