I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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