i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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