Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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