did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Randomize